Selfishness & Recovery

I had a conversation today with a trusted friend.  For an hour and forty minuets or so he and I talked about recovery; where I am at; where he is at etc…
It is very interesting how life plays out…  I was calling to “check in.”  What really happened was that the LORD used his words to smack me in the face. I started our conversation talking about what I am reading/ studying and the dialogue commenced.  Right along the hour and 15 min. mark he said something like your recovery should be about yourself.  “Its not for your kids or your family, , Its about you.  Further “You have heard me say this before, you need to be selfish with recovery. The natural effect is that those around you, your family your employees, your neighbors will all benefit from you being healed.”
How could he know that I am living a life filled with feelings of being worthless?  Does he know what God has been saying to me in the deep recesses of my heart and mind?  Surely not! I needed these words.  I was both encouraged and admonished by the way that God chose to use my friend to speak into my life.  I at my core am not worthy of the type of intense focus that I have been giving my recovery.  I view my family as the “worthy” bunch,mainly because of the way I have drug them through my own corner of hell for the past decade plus!  What I have not been fully acknowledging is that because of God’s sacrifice of Jesus, His Son, I am made worthy!!
I am reading further in Edward Welch’s book today; “Addictions, A Banquet in the Grave.” 
Enter Divine Design again….  I have a tendency, mainly because I am so analytical or nit-pickish, to try and find where authors are wrong in their personal notions and flat out misuses of Scripture.  I have found no personal shading, as I call it, and no misuse either. What I have found however is, as I was about to land the blow to “Sir Welch” on not saying his opinion may fall short of ‘the full” He sates this,
You should read and look for the similarities in your addiction flavor and the ones has talked about; not take everything to task as the details were stated.  Pointing out that there are certain recurring themes that definitely fit: blaming others, lying, and increasing blindness. 
In summation, all are representing my heart and desire to be independent from God.  Idolatry is a scary thing, I didn’t even know I have become an abject worshipper of myself. Talk about selfishness, just not the right angle.

Its lunch time and I need to chew on this for a bit… I’ll take a side of macaroni with that thanks.
Blessings… I think..

addictionblog.org

This may be a helpful resource… check it out and let me know what you think.
Remember,
The only thing keeping you from recovery is you.
Blessings

Busy

Today I have several things to get done, not least of which is time in the Word and learning to find Jesus in everyday relationship.    Many times it will be difficult to make a relationship like this happen.  There in lies the beauty… I don’t have to make it happen, all I have to do is include my LORD in the day to day.
Joshua 1:8 says  “Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you will be careful to do what is written in it.”

**Point of interest here.  If you don’t have a copy of the Bible look no further…. youversion.com .  Your welcome! 

The only power that can set you and I free from our sins and addiction is found in God alone.  You can get to know Him from reading His Word.
I have a busy day, I am seeing a new therapist.  Just another addition to the recovery team.  He is wise who seeks the council of many!!
Am I right?? 
Blessings!

So… I could not pass up posting this.  I recently planted this little guy, and I love the show it is putting on in my front yard.  It reminds me that the work and creation of God is amazing.  How much more He desires to make this Sex Addict a new and beautiful creature. Sex addiction is costly, friends won’t you step in to healing and renewing today?  You are worth it.

In Progress

Let me take a moment to say that I am in recovery,  I am not perfect and thus please adjust your expectations accordingly.
I have attended a local Celebrate Recovery program for over three years now and the behaviors if you will surrounding my addiction have lessened quite a bit as a result of faithful attendance, More accurately God is honoring my diligence of faithful attendance and thus the work that has been going on is His blessings and grace toward me and my family.  Disciplines doesn’t make me holy but they do keep me there.
Tonight I attended a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting for the second time ever.  It seems as though it will be very pointed in dealing with SA, and I like that.  What I do not care for is the lack of reliance on God to do the healing work.  There is talk of a “higher power” and “God, as I know him.”  I am not judging here, just stating my preference.
For me, my addiction is becoming less about a disease that is out of control in my body like cancer or even a common cold or flu bug. This has been out of control, no doubt. For me the bondage cycle started with my choice to sin and by the grace of God will end with me.  Further it must end with me. My children deserve a father that is respectable and some one to follow not to have to help along the way.
Yes, I acknowledge that I came from a broken home.  I accept that my mother, in her own broken state, shamed me with one side of her mouth for looking at “straight” pornography; while with the other side of her mouth she remained silent. My cousin , and I acted out sexually with each other for years.  She saw it, talked to me about it, and did nothing to stop this.  What a message to send to a son…
Still, I chose to act out for the first time as an adult.  I chose to take the first step beginning the pattern of bondage of looking at and acting out with other guys.  The holes in my heart from not having a respectable, loving father in my home left me longing for just that kind of relationship, a normal father son relationship.  I however looked at it through the eyes of having been accepted and “loved” by another guy, I was hooked.  Much like what I hear about how heroin treats the body and mind, my drug of choice became that exhilaration I felt from the “company” of another male.
More on this later.
Today was a very interesting and empowering day.  This was not a white knuckle day by any stretch.  This day I went out of my house and was tempted by all manner of barley dressed people, and though I was tempted I did not act out.  Immediately the Scriptures I had been reading and working to memorize came blazing to the forefront of my mind.
How can a young man keep his way pure…Thy Word have I hidden in my heart that I might not sin against You.  Psalm 119
Keep this Book of the Law ever on your lips, meditate on it day and night so that you will be careful to do all that is written in it.  Joshua 1:8
Brothers offer your bodies as living sacrifices holy and pleasing to God, this is your spiritual act of worship.  Romans 12:1
Two books on the must read list if you are interested… regardless of your addiction flavor.  Maybe even if you are being compelled to look for answers for a family member or friend?
“ADDICTIONS” A Banquet in the Grave,  Edward T. Welch
“Out of the Shadows” Patrick Carnes
Incidentally, Carnes is considered by most to be the “authority” on SA.  Welch, however, is allowing a fresh perspective and gives what Carnes does not, the spiritual depth of the Word of God.  Lets face it, Carnes’ wisdom pales in comparison to the Author of Life.  Don’t you agree?
Until then,
Blessings

The Start of it all...

This is the beginning… to start, let me give you a little background on my life.  I am the guy next door, married, children, stable job etc.  I regularly attend church and have for years; and was even a missionary for a few years.  I volunteer occasionally for my company’s community projects.  I am your boss.  I am your peer at your work.  I am your friend.  I am your husband.  I am your lover.
I have lead a double life for over 30 years.  I am a sex addict.  I have had more than 50 sexual partners; all of which were other men; save my loving, beautiful, devoted wife.
There has been no real pattern to the type of men I have been with. A wide variety has been the palette from which I have painted.

The reason for this blog is to challenge the common place thoughts of the public and the captive to what sex addiction is, and is not.
I will also chronicle my journey out of the dank and dreary macabre of sex addiction and same sex attraction. I am still traversing parts of this rough road.
I will make zero apologies that I am a “Devoted follower of Christ.”  I will confess my short comings, faults and failures, I will most likely disappoint you as a reader at times.
My only request is that you “check” at this opening post, your attitudes and thoughts about sex addiction and homosexuality; read with an attitude of a sponge.  If you don’t like, or at the least are not challenged by what you read, then “squeeze” your sponge out and look elsewhere for your information.
Just be aware… for me… INFORMATION has been a direct link to TRANSFORMATION in my own life.  I hope that it will be for you as well.  More tomorrow.
Blessings.